You can watch the trailer here. Unfortunately, it’s enough for me to know I won’t be seeing the whole thing. Obviously this film cannot exist in the same universe that gifted us with David Suchet, so I have provided some suggestions which seem much more suited to Kanye’s Kenneth’s edgy adaptation.
Johnny Depp plays every character.
Kenneth Branagh’s moustache crawls off his face when he sleeps to gather clues, depositing them nearby so that he can discover them. It is a generous lie which lets Poirot believe he truly is the world’s greatest detectiveand the moustache derives great satisfaction in doing so. Also the moustache is voiced by Tom Selleck.
The film is just re-runs of Magnum PI.
The neon character titles stay in place throughout the film so that audiences are not required to remember which one is the governess.
The dialogue is delivered entirely in rap, á la Hamilton.
Poirot becomes an Avenger but his focus group testing means all his scenes were cut. We’re better off without that moustache.
Woody Allen directs the film and Poirot becomes a Jewish writer in who is really awkward but ends up in relationships with gorgeous women. Critics find the storyline highly original.
The storyline stays the same and all of the characters are played by Muppets. (This is not snark – can someone please get onto this?)