How to improve 2017’s Murder on the Orient Express

You can watch the trailer here. Unfortunately, it’s enough for me to know I won’t be seeing the whole thing. Obviously this film cannot exist in the same universe that gifted us with David Suchet, so I have provided some suggestions which seem much more suited to Kanye’s Kenneth’s edgy adaptation.

  • Johnny Depp plays every character.
  • Kenneth Branagh’s moustache crawls off his face when he sleeps to gather clues, depositing them nearby so that he can discover them. It is a generous lie which lets Poirot believe he truly is the world’s greatest detective and the moustache derives great satisfaction in doing so. Also the moustache is voiced by Tom Selleck.
  • The film is just re-runs of Magnum PI.
  • The neon character titles stay in place throughout the film so that audiences are not required to remember which one is the governess.
  • The dialogue is delivered entirely in rap, á la Hamilton.
  • Poirot becomes an Avenger but his focus group testing means all his scenes were cut. We’re better off without that moustache.
  • Woody Allen directs the film and Poirot becomes a Jewish writer in who is really awkward but ends up in relationships with gorgeous women. Critics find the storyline highly original.
  • The storyline stays the same and all of the characters are played by Muppets. (This is not snark – can someone please get onto this?)

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